Silence

They say in silence you get that elusive tranquility one longs for in order to sustain your sanity. It's in silence you get to probe your innermost thoughts, feelings and even ideas. But what happens when silence does not bring solace, instead it causes more insanity?

Y'all might be wondering what the hell is wrong with silence causing insanity. Maybe I can shed some light here. I have been working for a good 9 months now and I guess career wise I'm pretty much stable and 3 more months mean I've been working for a year. It seems like a blur to me though. Anyways, as good as those 9 months have been to me, in that span of time, there's something that's quite wrong.

What could that possibly be?

You know, this isn't utopia where everyone is BFF (Best Friends Forever) with everyone and there's this perfect harmony and those other idealistic things the mind thinks of. Therefore, it means that in work, to be specific, you tend to have those..."days". Yes, those days when things take a horrid turn, people get really cranky when things don't go as originally planned, you know what I'm talking about. I am not exempt from such..."phenomenon" because I'm only human, and when they happen, I find myself really just shaking my head in disgust and just hope the day is over, not until doing some...preventive measures.

There was one time that everything I did has gone so horribly wrong that I got so pissed off that time, but I didn't throw a fit, mind you. The things I did were all below par as well, so you can just imagine how horrible that day was for me. When this happens, the first thing you do is to tell this to a friend or someone close to your heart, either your parents or your significant other, whichever you prefer, so you could release it. Ideally when you have problems, regardless of degree and/or magnitude you tell it that trusted person of yours because that person can help you destress, or plain simply offer his/her time with you, that means a lot, but what happens when you don't have that person behind you? When you don't have someone pushing your back when the going gets tough?

Elementary my dear, you fall flat on the ground.

That has been my problem. I don't have anyone behind or beside me to tell all these problems. No one to offer me a shoulder to cry on, no hugs to keep myself fromm falling apart, no nothing. It is very difficult. You ask, what about my friends? Yes! why not them, they would understand me, because they know me...or would they? I feel like they won't understand me because they don't know the real me. My fault could be alluded here, I don't let anyone to know me comprehensively because I'm scared of being criticized for what I do. I'm scared of being misunderstood and therefore castigated, can you blame me?

It's as if all these bottled up emotions would be the death of me, unless I release them. That's the only way I can ever find partial solace in my heart, at the very least. Probably good enough as a starting point, but not the sole step in liberating me from this emotional turmoil. I have tried talking to my very good friend who has a name that resembles a thorny flower. I told her the same problem that hounded me ever since that fateful day. I have to say, she did offer help for me.

Through her I got to see some things that I never even thought possible. It enlightened me to a certain extent, at least in terms of my work environment, but that was just a small thing. The entire bottled up emotions have to be released, otherwise...I can't even say. It takes time, one day someone will save from all this, but I hope I be able to save myself, I just don't know how.

I wonder, how can I save myself? If I can't who will save me?