I Am Empty...

Back when I was in fourth grade, I was obsessed with Astronomy, that my parents even bought me binoculars just so I can see the moon and has bought me books about astronomy. The ones they bought are not those used by Astronomy Majors but those that is easily understood by 9 year olds, like astronomy for kids. I once read in that book that the life cycle of a star is that they are at their hottest when they're young, as they "grow old" they kind of cool down gradually until their death, they just simply run out of helium or hydrogen to burn and they just vanish in the sky, with no one ever noticing that they're gone. After that they form part of the black hole, where it is a form of space vacuum that sucks everything in it, and no one escapes, not even light itself.

Fast forward to the present, I do not have an iota of a genuine interest in the heavenly bodies and its vast neighbors. Now I am into my violin, fashion and my grand plan of teaching. I seem to be full of dreams and promises and potentially capable of attaining those because of my drive. At least, that's what everyone is seeing on the outside, because on the inside...I'm the opposite, not even a sliver of light shines in my heart, I am empty.

How could one intellectual, driven and flamboyant person like me be possibly be hallow inside? I am a walking irony; a person flooding with gusto but is dry internally. Just how is that? What am I lacking?

Love...

I have always believed that the greatest Commandment my God has imparted to me and my brethen is to Love one another. True, I love my Redeemer, I love my family and relatives, I love my friends, I love myself, I care for people around me, but how come no one loves me back, romantically? I find myself asking what could possibly be wrong with me, why no one has ever loved me the way I would've loved them back.

My high school best friend has found his boyfriend and they are happy with each other for like more than a year. What karma plagued me that I can't seem to find my significant other? What kind of suffering have I inflicted on someone that curse me to this day? Anu bang ginawa ko bakit parang walang magkagusto sakin? Pangit ba ako? Yung ugali ko ba masama? May nagawa ba akong kasalanan na kailangan pagbayaran ko ng matagal? Bakit?

I tried hiding that sense of inadequacy by diverting my attention to other things, like fashion, shifting careers, developing myself and even porn. Given the many diversions that came my way, I find myself asking the same question. Why can't I find love, true love? A love that heterosexuals share, why is it elusive for me? I'm beginning to tear up whilst typing this blog, see how much it affects me by asking this question? Mahirap ba kong mahalin?

I met Jeffrey last year through text and I thought that he could be the one I envision myself getting old with, like Pierre Berge and the late Yves Saint Laurent. After months of talking to him on the phone, I thought he really was the one, until I met him. He was my life's Seal, and I'm Heidi Klum, looks wise, the difference is, Seal loved Heidi so much, Jeffrey didn't. I can't put all the blame to him as I myself have been at fault. Before Jeffrey, I met Noel back in 2005 and ever since then I have always dreamed of being his boyfriend. I met him only once, a month before I started junior college, after that I have never seen him again. Fast forward to 2007 when he showed up in his YM, I am more than happy to talk to him, to ask him what's he been up to, to tell him of what has happened to me and to tell him that I really loved him. I got confused because my feelings for Jeffrey was developing and my feelings for Noel resurfaced again, maybe that's why me and Jeffrey had a little rift, that we were able to patch up. Unfortunately, money came between me and Jeffrey and I had to take a stand, no money in this relationship.

I'm no bank, I don't buy people things I don't think they need. He kept asking me buy me this, buy me that, no Jeffrey, I will not buy you another burger from McDonalds.

After Jeffrey I met Jay, or should I say Giovani. I met him in 2006, earlier than Jeffrey and a year later after Noel. We never became boyfriends, unlike Jeffrey, but I like his way of thinking. He roused my intellect in way neither Noel nor Jeffrey did. The rennaisance of our conversation started when he missed call me. from there we talked occassionally, as long as he had prepaid load to use for text. I was happy talking to him because he was a nice person. I even got to talk to him on the phone because we were supposed to meet that day. He only called to apologized, but I forgave him. It saddened me we didn't meet but at least I got to talk to him.

I kind of got curious if he had a friendster account so I checked it and he did. I tried adding him but up to this day he hasn't added me up. I thought that he didn't like me because of that and it broke my heart. Once again, I am left alone because I was judged. I really liked Giovani so much that I can forget about Noel, I even thought it would be nice to have him as my boyfriend. I did tell him I'd like to start as friends so we can get to know each other, and not become boyfriends at once. I'm thinking he didn't like that but just pretended it was OK with him. Now I have never heard from him again. So, once again I am alone, I am empty, I am heartbroken. My insecurities came up to me and swallowed me, and now I can't get out. I wonder, how many times will I be heartbroken before I fianlly meet my Prince Charming? How long will I be gobbled up by my inner demons before they spit me out, if ever they will?

Now to partially answer my own question, maybe no one hasn't loved me yet because God thinks I am not yet ready, but when will I be ready? When will he come? I need to meet him now, and grow with him, hold his hand when times get rough, hug him when the world shuns him and vice versa. I want to love, want to experience love, is that too much to ask? How will I learn about love if i have not experienced it?