Church Gigs and Gio

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve been invited by the Church to play with their band, which means 3 consecutive performances. That almost translates to a month, should I be asked to perform this coming Sunday, but no. In a way that’s a breather on my part because, I have to say, it is tiring to be thinking of lines for the violin, especially if the songs that I listen to don’t have any violin interjections, at all.

So far I would have to say I like playing with the band, it’s an opportunity for me, not just to diversify my musical portfolio & improve my musicality but also a chance to showcase to God His gift for me; the gift of violin-playing and music, which I am grateful for. I like the songs we’ve played and I have my own personal favorites, and they’re “Evermore” by Planetshakers and “God of This City” by Chris Tomlin. Evermore is in the keys of B Major then becomes minor when the lines “Evermore” is sang. It is very dramatic, in a way that is rousing, think Swan Lake meets Ride of the Valkyries, Tchaikovsky meets Richard Wagner in a Christian Pop way, very beautiful indeed. God of this City is in the key of Db Major, very reminiscent of Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, but just a little different from it, because Here Without You is kind of Bb minor-ish, God of this City is Db Major, mostly. I just love songs that are in a key signature that is naturally dramatic, like B minor and Db Major, even Bb minor is dramatic.

Anyways, the only thing that I want to point out is that it is extremely difficult to come up with excerpts. It is because you have to interject short solos/intermezzos that must blend with the entire song and it has to sound super natural, not like it’s obviously off. I’ve been getting compliments about it, that I was good, but I want to know if they liked the sound. Only the band said they liked it. Sometimes I can’t help but feel that my violin steals the scene, especially when the band isn’t playing tutti (playing altogether), which is good because if I don’t do that, how will I ever be heard if the band goes full force? I guess it now boils to the mixing part, good thing I’m still audible, though not at clear as I usually hear it. It probably is because of the fact that I only put my violin near the mic, whilst the other instruments, they’re plugged with cords to an amplifier. In a way the setting is OK because had I been plugged, the violin sound would be too overpowering, even if it’s mixed, the good thing is that it will be very audible.

So anyways, today when I got my paycheck I also got an additional Php5K. I was shocked; the first thing I thought was “I don’t deserve this money!” stemming out from my year-long mishaps. There’s even a note on the money saying “Keep up the Good Work”, I was like…what? Super shocked was my reaction. It’s like, I didn’t believe on what was written; I’m Sorry. I guess I’m just so immune to mistakes that once in a while compliments like these didn’t make me smile. I found it so…fake. Go ahead and be mad at me for saying this but…that’s what I felt. Besides, I can’t let these compliments get in my head, otherwise, my masters plan will be ruined. I don’t want to feel regret when I leave this company, together with the learnings and heartbreaks I experienced here. I want to leave here improved but unscathed, emotionally speaking.

I’m actually seeing someone right now, actually, I just met my hopefully-to-be-my boyfriend. Let’s call him…”Gio”. So Gio and I have finally had our long-overdue rendezvous in his boarding house. I actually blogged about him, in this same site, but that was more on what I felt when we…”connected”. This time around, I’m hoping we get to have a decent conversation first before we hit the beds, once again. I want to know more about him, because I’m willing to love him and give him whatever I can. Although I do feel that we can connect on an intellectual level, apart from the … sexual level. I remember he asked me for a lunch once his midterms are through; I just hope he still remembers that. I mean, it’s a chance for me to get to see him again and more importantly to get to know a little bit more about him. I also blogged about how I thought he has completely forgotten all about me, I was wrong, he remembered me, for sex/making love. Memory is triggered by one flashback, coupled with a desire to remember.

So there, that is my 3-week Church gig and prospects from Gio. I just pray that there’s more gigs and Gio for me. This feels weird, no fashion entry? Maybe next time.

I Am Empty...

Back when I was in fourth grade, I was obsessed with Astronomy, that my parents even bought me binoculars just so I can see the moon and has bought me books about astronomy. The ones they bought are not those used by Astronomy Majors but those that is easily understood by 9 year olds, like astronomy for kids. I once read in that book that the life cycle of a star is that they are at their hottest when they're young, as they "grow old" they kind of cool down gradually until their death, they just simply run out of helium or hydrogen to burn and they just vanish in the sky, with no one ever noticing that they're gone. After that they form part of the black hole, where it is a form of space vacuum that sucks everything in it, and no one escapes, not even light itself.

Fast forward to the present, I do not have an iota of a genuine interest in the heavenly bodies and its vast neighbors. Now I am into my violin, fashion and my grand plan of teaching. I seem to be full of dreams and promises and potentially capable of attaining those because of my drive. At least, that's what everyone is seeing on the outside, because on the inside...I'm the opposite, not even a sliver of light shines in my heart, I am empty.

How could one intellectual, driven and flamboyant person like me be possibly be hallow inside? I am a walking irony; a person flooding with gusto but is dry internally. Just how is that? What am I lacking?

Love...

I have always believed that the greatest Commandment my God has imparted to me and my brethen is to Love one another. True, I love my Redeemer, I love my family and relatives, I love my friends, I love myself, I care for people around me, but how come no one loves me back, romantically? I find myself asking what could possibly be wrong with me, why no one has ever loved me the way I would've loved them back.

My high school best friend has found his boyfriend and they are happy with each other for like more than a year. What karma plagued me that I can't seem to find my significant other? What kind of suffering have I inflicted on someone that curse me to this day? Anu bang ginawa ko bakit parang walang magkagusto sakin? Pangit ba ako? Yung ugali ko ba masama? May nagawa ba akong kasalanan na kailangan pagbayaran ko ng matagal? Bakit?

I tried hiding that sense of inadequacy by diverting my attention to other things, like fashion, shifting careers, developing myself and even porn. Given the many diversions that came my way, I find myself asking the same question. Why can't I find love, true love? A love that heterosexuals share, why is it elusive for me? I'm beginning to tear up whilst typing this blog, see how much it affects me by asking this question? Mahirap ba kong mahalin?

I met Jeffrey last year through text and I thought that he could be the one I envision myself getting old with, like Pierre Berge and the late Yves Saint Laurent. After months of talking to him on the phone, I thought he really was the one, until I met him. He was my life's Seal, and I'm Heidi Klum, looks wise, the difference is, Seal loved Heidi so much, Jeffrey didn't. I can't put all the blame to him as I myself have been at fault. Before Jeffrey, I met Noel back in 2005 and ever since then I have always dreamed of being his boyfriend. I met him only once, a month before I started junior college, after that I have never seen him again. Fast forward to 2007 when he showed up in his YM, I am more than happy to talk to him, to ask him what's he been up to, to tell him of what has happened to me and to tell him that I really loved him. I got confused because my feelings for Jeffrey was developing and my feelings for Noel resurfaced again, maybe that's why me and Jeffrey had a little rift, that we were able to patch up. Unfortunately, money came between me and Jeffrey and I had to take a stand, no money in this relationship.

I'm no bank, I don't buy people things I don't think they need. He kept asking me buy me this, buy me that, no Jeffrey, I will not buy you another burger from McDonalds.

After Jeffrey I met Jay, or should I say Giovani. I met him in 2006, earlier than Jeffrey and a year later after Noel. We never became boyfriends, unlike Jeffrey, but I like his way of thinking. He roused my intellect in way neither Noel nor Jeffrey did. The rennaisance of our conversation started when he missed call me. from there we talked occassionally, as long as he had prepaid load to use for text. I was happy talking to him because he was a nice person. I even got to talk to him on the phone because we were supposed to meet that day. He only called to apologized, but I forgave him. It saddened me we didn't meet but at least I got to talk to him.

I kind of got curious if he had a friendster account so I checked it and he did. I tried adding him but up to this day he hasn't added me up. I thought that he didn't like me because of that and it broke my heart. Once again, I am left alone because I was judged. I really liked Giovani so much that I can forget about Noel, I even thought it would be nice to have him as my boyfriend. I did tell him I'd like to start as friends so we can get to know each other, and not become boyfriends at once. I'm thinking he didn't like that but just pretended it was OK with him. Now I have never heard from him again. So, once again I am alone, I am empty, I am heartbroken. My insecurities came up to me and swallowed me, and now I can't get out. I wonder, how many times will I be heartbroken before I fianlly meet my Prince Charming? How long will I be gobbled up by my inner demons before they spit me out, if ever they will?

Now to partially answer my own question, maybe no one hasn't loved me yet because God thinks I am not yet ready, but when will I be ready? When will he come? I need to meet him now, and grow with him, hold his hand when times get rough, hug him when the world shuns him and vice versa. I want to love, want to experience love, is that too much to ask? How will I learn about love if i have not experienced it?