A Possible Answer To My Isolation

Rummaging through our tambak earlier this afternoon, I came across this gazette of our Church and it's like Manila Bulletin's "Panorama". The Panorama is usually enclosed within the broadsheet and is circulated weekly, during weekends. This gazette of our Church is circulated only God-knows-when (because I don't know) and that's the first time I've ever seen it. It was I think about Christmas season of last year that it got published, of course within the Church. I was actually there, 20 pounds heavier back then, who knew I could lose so much in 6 months? I do.

Forgive the digression, when I saw that gazette, by sheer natural instinct, I flipped through the dusty pages, looking at pictures of some of the band members and YA peeps and skimming through the editorial-esque writings of the upper echelons in our Church. I can't help but feel that I don't belong there. When I look at myself in that gazette, I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I am not supposed to be there, that I'm left out, that no one understands me and that I'm the odd one out. Its funny that I look like I'm meditating whilst playing my violin but in reality, I look so...wrong. What's paradoxical about this whole thing is that I am in an ideal place of total acceptance, yet I feel deprived of the same thing the place exudes, a warm, hugging arm. I cannot, for all my developed eloquence and articulacy, shed a faint light of elucidation on the matter. I don't know if it's me or them, maybe both. I know I keep to myself most of the time, primarily because, I don't know them...and I don't them to know more about me. I think they're not ready for people like me. They're probably stuck with that ancient yet degrading stereotype with my kind of people, but I can't be too sure, their diplomacy is at it's zenith, nevertheless, I'm not about to let them judge me as is, I still have my worth, for whatever benefit it can bring.

It's like everytime I see those people in our Church, I feel like I can't relate to them, like I'm Greek and they're...not Greek. Why I don't seem to find that ease I have with Chamber I can never unravel, yet. It is probably because I've known Chamber for such a long time and they have made an impact in my life. They, on the other hand...have not even scratched the surface. They can do that, given my tendency to just nag away, but I know I'll get judged, everyone does that, even myself. I won't let them do that, actually, me being distant to them is not at all safe to judgements. Everyone has their own vehement aversions over something, I guess mine is their view on my sexuality. To me, it's a blessing to be homosexual, I can understand how the guys and girls think, I can understand how much emotional girls are and how rational and levelheaded guys are. I do not understand why homosexuals are outcasted, even if they cross-dress. I fervently believe that cross-dressing is not a crime, it's an expression of what's inside, concretizing the abstract, and mainstreaming the surreal. To say the cross-dressing is a crime is like saying to wear emo-inspired outfit is answerable to the law of the land. Preposterous isn't it?

Once again, digression got me.

It's just hard for me to open up to people, at least when I'm saving up the sexuality card. No one can easily swallow if their friends are, you know...member of the third sex. It shatters their perception of that person, when that happens, they react, usually in a negative way. They misunderstand them, deny them, get angry at them, hate them. The banality of this reaction is getting old, much to my chagrin anyways. An obtuse take on matters that isn't close to home. When I know I can trust them I'll open myself up, but until that day comes...They can pretty much get disillusioned with their faux decadence perception of homosexuality.