It’s time once again to do some blogging. It can be therapeutic, and at the same time addictive.
I realized that when I started admitting to myself that I do have a crush on wrong way (RW), I … became a jealous person. I used to be just mum whenever he gets to swoon over ladies, but now, I get a bit infuriated. I’m beginning to see that he’s breaking out of his shell (he’s not stoic, but he can be a tad clueless). It’s just that I mistook his kindness for something else. Clearly, it is unfair for him, and for me.
I want to be with him, hold his hand when he’s happy, hug when he’s down, kiss him when he’s being romantic, sex him when he’s lusting and so much more. All these things, I do not think I can ever do, as he is different from me. He’s mainstream, I’m unconventional, gender specifications wise. I am not, in any way, supposed to exude this kind of emotions as he is no more than my business partner. Sure, there are times when business partners discuss things other than business per se but I really respect him and his tutelage for me, it’s just that my heart can’t distinguish romance from kindness. Sad but true.
My jealousy, going back to it, is a new sin that I have acquired, yet another mortal sin the Roman Catholic Church has named. Tragically, my lust has not faded, at least not yet, so that makes me guilty of 2 mortal sins. I should work on jealousy first as it is brand-new, maybe it can be curbed until it has vanished altogether, or maybe just not entertain it.
What I’m feeling right now, takes me back to the days when I was madly in love with Leon. I wanted to be with Leon but our domicile locations make it kind of impossible, I’m urban, he’s rural. I wanted to give him everything I have, and I think it includes my body. To this day, the sight of Leon still makes my heart skip a beat, but I rarely see him, unlike RW.
It might come to a point where I have to choose either Leon or RW, as my heart beats for both of them. With Leon, it can be a little more carnal than RW’s whilst it’s more romance than lust for RW. Although, I think I can infuse a bit of romance with Leon and a little libido surge with RW. I’m in love with both of them, it’s just that since RW is more present, my heart beats for him even more, however, I have a bigger chance with Leon than with RW. This comparison is unnecessary, really.
I still wish I could be with RW, even for a short time. Just have his heart for a short while, and him have mine. That would be great. I don’t know what true love is, as I’ve never experienced it before, I’d like to but I may find myself in deeper trouble than I already am, at least, basing my concept of true love as something romantic from another man. But if one day, Leon would take me away, to be with him, to share his life to me, I might … give it to him, as I know, RW is straight, and I’ll never be enough for him. Just the fact that he believes in me is enough, at least I know we have a connection, a purely business one.
I realized that when I started admitting to myself that I do have a crush on wrong way (RW), I … became a jealous person. I used to be just mum whenever he gets to swoon over ladies, but now, I get a bit infuriated. I’m beginning to see that he’s breaking out of his shell (he’s not stoic, but he can be a tad clueless). It’s just that I mistook his kindness for something else. Clearly, it is unfair for him, and for me.
I want to be with him, hold his hand when he’s happy, hug when he’s down, kiss him when he’s being romantic, sex him when he’s lusting and so much more. All these things, I do not think I can ever do, as he is different from me. He’s mainstream, I’m unconventional, gender specifications wise. I am not, in any way, supposed to exude this kind of emotions as he is no more than my business partner. Sure, there are times when business partners discuss things other than business per se but I really respect him and his tutelage for me, it’s just that my heart can’t distinguish romance from kindness. Sad but true.
My jealousy, going back to it, is a new sin that I have acquired, yet another mortal sin the Roman Catholic Church has named. Tragically, my lust has not faded, at least not yet, so that makes me guilty of 2 mortal sins. I should work on jealousy first as it is brand-new, maybe it can be curbed until it has vanished altogether, or maybe just not entertain it.
What I’m feeling right now, takes me back to the days when I was madly in love with Leon. I wanted to be with Leon but our domicile locations make it kind of impossible, I’m urban, he’s rural. I wanted to give him everything I have, and I think it includes my body. To this day, the sight of Leon still makes my heart skip a beat, but I rarely see him, unlike RW.
It might come to a point where I have to choose either Leon or RW, as my heart beats for both of them. With Leon, it can be a little more carnal than RW’s whilst it’s more romance than lust for RW. Although, I think I can infuse a bit of romance with Leon and a little libido surge with RW. I’m in love with both of them, it’s just that since RW is more present, my heart beats for him even more, however, I have a bigger chance with Leon than with RW. This comparison is unnecessary, really.
I still wish I could be with RW, even for a short time. Just have his heart for a short while, and him have mine. That would be great. I don’t know what true love is, as I’ve never experienced it before, I’d like to but I may find myself in deeper trouble than I already am, at least, basing my concept of true love as something romantic from another man. But if one day, Leon would take me away, to be with him, to share his life to me, I might … give it to him, as I know, RW is straight, and I’ll never be enough for him. Just the fact that he believes in me is enough, at least I know we have a connection, a purely business one.
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