It has been a year since I graduated from college. Memories of college life, academics and extra-curricular, everything will always be emblazoned in my heart. College has been way way better than high school, not only because I was enrolled in the 2nd best university in the country, or the 392nd best university in the whole wide world, but because of friends and quasi-families I've met there. How much they've become part of me. But for all their effects on me, have I become part of them?
Let me tell you this sad observation. Back in the day when I was part of this small orchestra group, I had the best of times because I got to develop my music skills/talent, leadership skills and interpersonal interaction skills as well. Everyone in the group thought I was good...in comparison to their skills. Modesty aside, I don't find some of the pieces difficult, at least during my tenure. I loved their company, they gave me a home in Taft.
However, whenever I see pictures of the group in some excursion or teambuilding without me I feel left out. That I missed out something so great. I can handle that, but when I see people really close to me and I'm not there? I feel really sad because I feel it's like I've never been a part of that group. I think no one can question my contributions to the group's prelude of exponential grwoth and yet it's as if I don't exist. Why?
It even leads me to ask this question, was I a part of this group anyways? Or maybe I am, in music, but not in person. Maybe they don't like queer people like me within their circle of friendship, only in music because I'm the only one in that section that they can contact. Or maybe they don't like me being a bitch...Ok. Being a bitch is my defense, and I don't put on that bitch mask 24/7. It's my defense mechanism. I feel like my defense has thrown off some of them, I guess they want me vulnerable, so they can attack me? Or so I can't hurt them? I don't know.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thoughts
When you are having a rare but possible case of insomnia because you just J-O-ed 2 hours ago and ate chocolates 4 hours ago, what do you do?
Blog. Yeah, blog it.
Let me tell you what it's like meeting a stranger you've been texting for 5 months and then you decided to meet up during the holiday breaks. It was very nerve-wrecking for sure. I didn't know what he would look like or be like. What I only know was the sound of his voice and his instruction to buy him a quarterpounder meal with large sarsi drinks and fries.
Before I left to meet Jeffrey, my "guy", I took a bath for the second time. Instead of using my usual milk bath, I used my mom's Victoria's Secret shower gel because I wanna smell my most fabulous and diva-esque when meeting him. Originally, we were supposed to meet at 6pm but he asked if he can meet me around 7pm since he was working and printing his output, so I said sure its ok. Having said so, I took my time bathing myself making sure that strawberry and champagne scent sticks to my body, every single area of my body. How indulging.
So after that I rinsed off, put on my clothes and left home to meet Jeffrey, which took him more than 30 minutes to get to our location. When he came I bought him his meal and to my astonishment he was outside waiting for me. He asked if I could come out, I said I have his order on the table, then he said if I coud just take them out. I did and the nmet him outside, bringing with me the food he ordered.
Good heavens, when I met him he wasn't exaggerating when he said he was ugly. He was odd. His look reminded me of Seal, supermodel Heidi Klum's hubby. I'll be honest, I thought him being ugly was just gibberish, as it turns out, I thought partly right, because he was odd. I never thought of him ugly, just odd, different and unconventional. Nevertheless, there was something in him that's quite...eye-catching. Not his crotch, but something that made me feel cozy.
We walked to this certain location I'll call "Czechoslovakia" or simply "Czech" and then asked him if he was ready, he said whatever. I assumed that was yes. I asked him to buy rubber because I don't like it without rubber and he did, but I paid for it. We went in Czech and logged in, paid the guy in charge and got in the room. We turned off the lights and then...had our honeymoon. Who would want to have a honeymoon with a stranger who looks like Seal, but is equally alluring like Pete Doherty of Babyshambles? I did.
When we had our honeymoon, he...broke into me, into my body...but not my heart and soul, figuratively. Why? Probably because when he was breaking in me he wasn't looking at me, but because it was dark I couldn't see. Maybe he was, but his mind was anywhere but in that small room,where we were. Quite surprisingly I didn't feel like a dirty slut who'd fuck her way to financial nirvana, probably because I know I had a connection from him, all that 5-month chatting and talking on the phone built up that connection, or whatever that was. After our short honeymoon we went outside Czech and ate the burger and fries, he ate the burger, i ate the fries. After that we walked home and along the way we passed by a 24-hour store and bought drinks, I bought a fat reducing juice and I bought him the same. We walked until we reached my house, I lent him a book by Paulo Coelho and a CD not because I wanted to but because he asked if he can borrow something from me.
I can see right through him, I know that he knows that his look wasn't what I was expecting. He just wants to make sure we'll see each other again. Does he like me? I don't know. Do I like him, in general? I don't know either. Just a thought, what if I ditch him just because he's not my type or he looks really odd and he finds out that I ditched because of the said reasons. He's gonna be sad, but will I be happy? I don't know. This thought makes me sad, because if I do just what I thought, I become the thing that scares me the most, the player. I hate being played and thinking about Jeffrey being played by me saddens me, even bringing me to tears. I don't know if I can love, or even want him like I want Noel. Maybe in due time I will. Thinking about Noel and how much I want him in my life makes it difficult for me because I want to give Jeffrey a chance, but I've fallen for Noel so much, ever since I was 20, and I'm 22 now so it has been 2 years of missing him.
I don't want to ditch Jeffrey, but I want to be with Noel. I'm torn, I never thought I'd be in this predicament, to think I don't even have a legal boyfriend, yet. What do I do?
Blog. Yeah, blog it.
Let me tell you what it's like meeting a stranger you've been texting for 5 months and then you decided to meet up during the holiday breaks. It was very nerve-wrecking for sure. I didn't know what he would look like or be like. What I only know was the sound of his voice and his instruction to buy him a quarterpounder meal with large sarsi drinks and fries.
Before I left to meet Jeffrey, my "guy", I took a bath for the second time. Instead of using my usual milk bath, I used my mom's Victoria's Secret shower gel because I wanna smell my most fabulous and diva-esque when meeting him. Originally, we were supposed to meet at 6pm but he asked if he can meet me around 7pm since he was working and printing his output, so I said sure its ok. Having said so, I took my time bathing myself making sure that strawberry and champagne scent sticks to my body, every single area of my body. How indulging.
So after that I rinsed off, put on my clothes and left home to meet Jeffrey, which took him more than 30 minutes to get to our location. When he came I bought him his meal and to my astonishment he was outside waiting for me. He asked if I could come out, I said I have his order on the table, then he said if I coud just take them out. I did and the nmet him outside, bringing with me the food he ordered.
Good heavens, when I met him he wasn't exaggerating when he said he was ugly. He was odd. His look reminded me of Seal, supermodel Heidi Klum's hubby. I'll be honest, I thought him being ugly was just gibberish, as it turns out, I thought partly right, because he was odd. I never thought of him ugly, just odd, different and unconventional. Nevertheless, there was something in him that's quite...eye-catching. Not his crotch, but something that made me feel cozy.
We walked to this certain location I'll call "Czechoslovakia" or simply "Czech" and then asked him if he was ready, he said whatever. I assumed that was yes. I asked him to buy rubber because I don't like it without rubber and he did, but I paid for it. We went in Czech and logged in, paid the guy in charge and got in the room. We turned off the lights and then...had our honeymoon. Who would want to have a honeymoon with a stranger who looks like Seal, but is equally alluring like Pete Doherty of Babyshambles? I did.
When we had our honeymoon, he...broke into me, into my body...but not my heart and soul, figuratively. Why? Probably because when he was breaking in me he wasn't looking at me, but because it was dark I couldn't see. Maybe he was, but his mind was anywhere but in that small room,where we were. Quite surprisingly I didn't feel like a dirty slut who'd fuck her way to financial nirvana, probably because I know I had a connection from him, all that 5-month chatting and talking on the phone built up that connection, or whatever that was. After our short honeymoon we went outside Czech and ate the burger and fries, he ate the burger, i ate the fries. After that we walked home and along the way we passed by a 24-hour store and bought drinks, I bought a fat reducing juice and I bought him the same. We walked until we reached my house, I lent him a book by Paulo Coelho and a CD not because I wanted to but because he asked if he can borrow something from me.
I can see right through him, I know that he knows that his look wasn't what I was expecting. He just wants to make sure we'll see each other again. Does he like me? I don't know. Do I like him, in general? I don't know either. Just a thought, what if I ditch him just because he's not my type or he looks really odd and he finds out that I ditched because of the said reasons. He's gonna be sad, but will I be happy? I don't know. This thought makes me sad, because if I do just what I thought, I become the thing that scares me the most, the player. I hate being played and thinking about Jeffrey being played by me saddens me, even bringing me to tears. I don't know if I can love, or even want him like I want Noel. Maybe in due time I will. Thinking about Noel and how much I want him in my life makes it difficult for me because I want to give Jeffrey a chance, but I've fallen for Noel so much, ever since I was 20, and I'm 22 now so it has been 2 years of missing him.
I don't want to ditch Jeffrey, but I want to be with Noel. I'm torn, I never thought I'd be in this predicament, to think I don't even have a legal boyfriend, yet. What do I do?
Monday, December 17, 2007
A Little Something from Noel
This was originally a text message...but it touched my heart so much...the text came fro mthe same guy whom I blogged earlier
Funny how 2 people meet and fall
eye contact, hi & hello, get contact numbers, exchange quotes, send messages
even droppin calls askin hows the day, givin u a lift talk til dawn, havin meals together,
meeting with other friends, kulitan, lambingan and all
seems so perfect right? But try to look deeper, was there a time they talked about how they really feel for each other?
Not at all right?
A setup like this is all about ...
"Playing it Safe"
Funny how 2 people meet and fall
eye contact, hi & hello, get contact numbers, exchange quotes, send messages
even droppin calls askin hows the day, givin u a lift talk til dawn, havin meals together,
meeting with other friends, kulitan, lambingan and all
seems so perfect right? But try to look deeper, was there a time they talked about how they really feel for each other?
Not at all right?
A setup like this is all about ...
"Playing it Safe"
Heart Blogs
I got this from my multiply blog...It's about that one man who just makes your heart skip a beat, too bad he doesn't feel the same way...or does he?
If only you knew what I truly felt for you, then it may be different
If only there was a way to tell you what I feel, I would really do
If only I had the guts to tell you, then it might make a difference
If only there's more to you than a message, you'd be surprised that I am more than that too
I wish to heaven of a bridge to connect you and me, then i'd tell you how i feel
I wish to heaven of telepathic skills, then i'd say what my heart beats
I wish to the angels of courage commensurate to a superhero, then i'd speak my mind
I wish to the angels of a way to find you, i'd go and fly to you
because ive fallen in love,
because my heart beats for you
because you hold a place in me
because i really love you
If only i can see you again, id tell you how much i missed you
If only I can hold you at least once, id make you feel what ive felt for so long
If only I can take you to a place, id take you in my heart
If only I can show you my love, id give you what i have
because i wanna be with you
because i fell in love with you
because i love you more than you'll ever know
because i will wait for you and say i love you for real
someday we'll see again, and catch up with each other
someday we'll tell what we really feel, and forge that connection
someday i'll tell you i love you, and hopefully you'd say the same
someday that day will come, and make it right for us
I love you so much, i wish you knew
i wanna be with you, i wish you felt
i long for you, i wish you saw
I love you with all my heart...
i hope you feel the same way...
If only you knew what I truly felt for you, then it may be different
If only there was a way to tell you what I feel, I would really do
If only I had the guts to tell you, then it might make a difference
If only there's more to you than a message, you'd be surprised that I am more than that too
I wish to heaven of a bridge to connect you and me, then i'd tell you how i feel
I wish to heaven of telepathic skills, then i'd say what my heart beats
I wish to the angels of courage commensurate to a superhero, then i'd speak my mind
I wish to the angels of a way to find you, i'd go and fly to you
because ive fallen in love,
because my heart beats for you
because you hold a place in me
because i really love you
If only i can see you again, id tell you how much i missed you
If only I can hold you at least once, id make you feel what ive felt for so long
If only I can take you to a place, id take you in my heart
If only I can show you my love, id give you what i have
because i wanna be with you
because i fell in love with you
because i love you more than you'll ever know
because i will wait for you and say i love you for real
someday we'll see again, and catch up with each other
someday we'll tell what we really feel, and forge that connection
someday i'll tell you i love you, and hopefully you'd say the same
someday that day will come, and make it right for us
I love you so much, i wish you knew
i wanna be with you, i wish you felt
i long for you, i wish you saw
I love you with all my heart...
i hope you feel the same way...
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