Biache

It has been a year since I graduated from college. Memories of college life, academics and extra-curricular, everything will always be emblazoned in my heart. College has been way way better than high school, not only because I was enrolled in the 2nd best university in the country, or the 392nd best university in the whole wide world, but because of friends and quasi-families I've met there. How much they've become part of me. But for all their effects on me, have I become part of them?

Let me tell you this sad observation. Back in the day when I was part of this small orchestra group, I had the best of times because I got to develop my music skills/talent, leadership skills and interpersonal interaction skills as well. Everyone in the group thought I was good...in comparison to their skills. Modesty aside, I don't find some of the pieces difficult, at least during my tenure. I loved their company, they gave me a home in Taft.

However, whenever I see pictures of the group in some excursion or teambuilding without me I feel left out. That I missed out something so great. I can handle that, but when I see people really close to me and I'm not there? I feel really sad because I feel it's like I've never been a part of that group. I think no one can question my contributions to the group's prelude of exponential grwoth and yet it's as if I don't exist. Why?

It even leads me to ask this question, was I a part of this group anyways? Or maybe I am, in music, but not in person. Maybe they don't like queer people like me within their circle of friendship, only in music because I'm the only one in that section that they can contact. Or maybe they don't like me being a bitch...Ok. Being a bitch is my defense, and I don't put on that bitch mask 24/7. It's my defense mechanism. I feel like my defense has thrown off some of them, I guess they want me vulnerable, so they can attack me? Or so I can't hurt them? I don't know.