Thoughts

When you are having a rare but possible case of insomnia because you just J-O-ed 2 hours ago and ate chocolates 4 hours ago, what do you do?

Blog. Yeah, blog it.

Let me tell you what it's like meeting a stranger you've been texting for 5 months and then you decided to meet up during the holiday breaks. It was very nerve-wrecking for sure. I didn't know what he would look like or be like. What I only know was the sound of his voice and his instruction to buy him a quarterpounder meal with large sarsi drinks and fries.

Before I left to meet Jeffrey, my "guy", I took a bath for the second time. Instead of using my usual milk bath, I used my mom's Victoria's Secret shower gel because I wanna smell my most fabulous and diva-esque when meeting him. Originally, we were supposed to meet at 6pm but he asked if he can meet me around 7pm since he was working and printing his output, so I said sure its ok. Having said so, I took my time bathing myself making sure that strawberry and champagne scent sticks to my body, every single area of my body. How indulging.

So after that I rinsed off, put on my clothes and left home to meet Jeffrey, which took him more than 30 minutes to get to our location. When he came I bought him his meal and to my astonishment he was outside waiting for me. He asked if I could come out, I said I have his order on the table, then he said if I coud just take them out. I did and the nmet him outside, bringing with me the food he ordered.

Good heavens, when I met him he wasn't exaggerating when he said he was ugly. He was odd. His look reminded me of Seal, supermodel Heidi Klum's hubby. I'll be honest, I thought him being ugly was just gibberish, as it turns out, I thought partly right, because he was odd. I never thought of him ugly, just odd, different and unconventional. Nevertheless, there was something in him that's quite...eye-catching. Not his crotch, but something that made me feel cozy.

We walked to this certain location I'll call "Czechoslovakia" or simply "Czech" and then asked him if he was ready, he said whatever. I assumed that was yes. I asked him to buy rubber because I don't like it without rubber and he did, but I paid for it. We went in Czech and logged in, paid the guy in charge and got in the room. We turned off the lights and then...had our honeymoon. Who would want to have a honeymoon with a stranger who looks like Seal, but is equally alluring like Pete Doherty of Babyshambles? I did.

When we had our honeymoon, he...broke into me, into my body...but not my heart and soul, figuratively. Why? Probably because when he was breaking in me he wasn't looking at me, but because it was dark I couldn't see. Maybe he was, but his mind was anywhere but in that small room,where we were. Quite surprisingly I didn't feel like a dirty slut who'd fuck her way to financial nirvana, probably because I know I had a connection from him, all that 5-month chatting and talking on the phone built up that connection, or whatever that was. After our short honeymoon we went outside Czech and ate the burger and fries, he ate the burger, i ate the fries. After that we walked home and along the way we passed by a 24-hour store and bought drinks, I bought a fat reducing juice and I bought him the same. We walked until we reached my house, I lent him a book by Paulo Coelho and a CD not because I wanted to but because he asked if he can borrow something from me.

I can see right through him, I know that he knows that his look wasn't what I was expecting. He just wants to make sure we'll see each other again. Does he like me? I don't know. Do I like him, in general? I don't know either. Just a thought, what if I ditch him just because he's not my type or he looks really odd and he finds out that I ditched because of the said reasons. He's gonna be sad, but will I be happy? I don't know. This thought makes me sad, because if I do just what I thought, I become the thing that scares me the most, the player. I hate being played and thinking about Jeffrey being played by me saddens me, even bringing me to tears. I don't know if I can love, or even want him like I want Noel. Maybe in due time I will. Thinking about Noel and how much I want him in my life makes it difficult for me because I want to give Jeffrey a chance, but I've fallen for Noel so much, ever since I was 20, and I'm 22 now so it has been 2 years of missing him.

I don't want to ditch Jeffrey, but I want to be with Noel. I'm torn, I never thought I'd be in this predicament, to think I don't even have a legal boyfriend, yet. What do I do?