Nu Sin - Wrong Way

It’s time once again to do some blogging. It can be therapeutic, and at the same time addictive.

I realized that when I started admitting to myself that I do have a crush on wrong way (RW), I … became a jealous person. I used to be just mum whenever he gets to swoon over ladies, but now, I get a bit infuriated. I’m beginning to see that he’s breaking out of his shell (he’s not stoic, but he can be a tad clueless). It’s just that I mistook his kindness for something else. Clearly, it is unfair for him, and for me.

I want to be with him, hold his hand when he’s happy, hug when he’s down, kiss him when he’s being romantic, sex him when he’s lusting and so much more. All these things, I do not think I can ever do, as he is different from me. He’s mainstream, I’m unconventional, gender specifications wise. I am not, in any way, supposed to exude this kind of emotions as he is no more than my business partner. Sure, there are times when business partners discuss things other than business per se but I really respect him and his tutelage for me, it’s just that my heart can’t distinguish romance from kindness. Sad but true.

My jealousy, going back to it, is a new sin that I have acquired, yet another mortal sin the Roman Catholic Church has named. Tragically, my lust has not faded, at least not yet, so that makes me guilty of 2 mortal sins. I should work on jealousy first as it is brand-new, maybe it can be curbed until it has vanished altogether, or maybe just not entertain it.

What I’m feeling right now, takes me back to the days when I was madly in love with Leon. I wanted to be with Leon but our domicile locations make it kind of impossible, I’m urban, he’s rural. I wanted to give him everything I have, and I think it includes my body. To this day, the sight of Leon still makes my heart skip a beat, but I rarely see him, unlike RW.

It might come to a point where I have to choose either Leon or RW, as my heart beats for both of them. With Leon, it can be a little more carnal than RW’s whilst it’s more romance than lust for RW. Although, I think I can infuse a bit of romance with Leon and a little libido surge with RW. I’m in love with both of them, it’s just that since RW is more present, my heart beats for him even more, however, I have a bigger chance with Leon than with RW. This comparison is unnecessary, really.

I still wish I could be with RW, even for a short time. Just have his heart for a short while, and him have mine. That would be great. I don’t know what true love is, as I’ve never experienced it before, I’d like to but I may find myself in deeper trouble than I already am, at least, basing my concept of true love as something romantic from another man. But if one day, Leon would take me away, to be with him, to share his life to me, I might … give it to him, as I know, RW is straight, and I’ll never be enough for him. Just the fact that he believes in me is enough, at least I know we have a connection, a purely business one.

Ever-Lust-ing

The portmanteau may give you a clue as to what i'll write about. Lust, one of the seven deadly sins the Catholic Church named. It means excessive desire for sex and its many decadent yet pleasurable variations.

With lust comes a fancy sexual fetish that tickles your senses into concocting unlikely situations that's enough to pump up anyone's hidden eroticism. As forbidden as it is, it occurs, and they come at the intersection of right time and stimulating vivid sexual thoughts. Because of this clandestine yet seductive emotion bursts, the pornography industry, both heterosexual and homosexual, has capitalized on it and has mainstreamed the once-intimate scenario. Truly, sex sells.

I myself have my own lustful thoughts and as much as I'd like to combat and avoid entertaining it, maybe discussing it can alleviate it's seducing power to overtake me. Let me discuss mine. I have a somewhat strange but erotically strong fetish over taxi drivers, those young, hot and with machismo and libido oozing out of them. Thinking about having sex with turns me on so much, that when I take the cab/taxi, I imagine myself flirting with the driver and seducing him into going in some motel along EDSA and getting laid...in the afternoon. To be honest, there's one time I took the cab and the driver met the criteria I mentioned earlier (young, hot and with machismo and libido oozing out of him), he was cute apart from that and his dark moreno skin made him a little more desirable. The thing that dissuaded me (a little bit) from him was that he overcharged me. Anyways, my horno-meter went berserk when he kept telliong me, while we were in EDSA that he was sleepy. To be honest, I thought, hey, you should take me to my destination first before you go doze off. I also thought that this could bh a very subtle invitation to that illicit but pushing-the-envelope type of one-afternoon-stand sex. I thought of it after some time but I didn't entertain it because the taxi driver could be straight and if I pounce on him, he might throw me out of his taxi, in the middle of traffic EDSA.

Sometimes when I'm alone I imagine the scenario of a male passenger and male taxi driver, the surge of homoerotic wave awashing them, taxi driver sublty touches his crotch, passenger enticed to touch his, or the taxi driver's, they look straight to the eye: they agree to take a detour to some motel and then do the homosexual deed: both guys take off their clothes till they're barenaked, discreet passenger grabs the horny taxi driver's flaccid dick, taking it into his mouth, eating it like a Christmas pixie candy, the taxi driver loves that his stick is getting cleaned. Taxi driver's dick gets big and hard, his cock wanting more saliva and tongue action, passenger gives what taxi driver wants, both are lost in passion, he blows, he moans. Taxi driver's cock is really hard and wants to penetrate passenger's tight booty, passenger eats taxi driver's juicy balls, licks it like round lollipops, playing it on his mouth with his tongue, taxi driver loves the hedonistic adoration on his genitals, taxi driver's really horny now and wants to do some penetration. Passenger concedes but lubes up the hairy and hard bursting pipe, puts on rubber (proftection y'all). Taxi driver bores into passenger's butt, passenger finds it painful but begins to take pleasure of the drilling action. Passenger moans with delight, licking his own lips, taxi driver is lost in sexual euphoria, his masculinity is bolstered by his dominance over the passenger. He controls the trip and passenger takes his ride, taxi driver controls the spped of the trip and passenger has got to hold on to keep up. Taxi driver plows his cock in the passengers ass deeper like digging gold. Passenger digs it, the tightness that is rudely broken by the taxi driver, slowly giving way. Taxi driver reaches home stretch while passenger plays his own hardened cock, synchronizing his nirvana trip with the taxi drivers', both are now in the heavens, completely lost in erotic utopia and upon reaching nirvana, taxi driver's seeds were sown, followed by the passengers'. They come with a passionate (and plenty of) explosion, seeds sown off everywhere, from the motel's bed to their own sizzling bodies.

Both clean up, both go to the bathroom, wash off the seeds sown, but passenger hasn't had enough, passenger wants to do some more pipe cleaning, taxi driver obliges, taxi driver is once again swept by passion, his manhood tells it, passenger just can't get enough of the bursting pipe. Passenger eats the footlong with a passion, taxi driver gets hard again, his areolas get erect, the cold water running through his body offsets his own heat, passenger cleans some more, salivating, maximizing the length of taxi driver's manhood, eating his orbs like two century eggs, taxi driver once again reaches for the stars and sows his seed in passenger's food receiver. Passenger loves the manjuice he was fed with, both cleaned up for good, put on their clothes, takes the cab and off they went to passenger's destination. While on trip, passenger touches taxi driver's manbulge, taxi driver likes it, he loves the fact that his masculinity is given its proper adoration, taxi driver gets hard again but it ends there as passenger reaches his destination. There will be a next time, there will be, passenger before getting off the taxi got taxi driver's number, they'll go to utopia next time, next time, they'll go to utopia.

So that's it, at least part of it. I have one more, but i'll tell you next time ok?

Breaking Free From Fear ... And Finding God :)

Have you ever felt like you were paralyzed by something…leviathan that, it stops you in your tracks altogether? I have.

See, when you’re a business person and you’re basically starting from scratch, you do a lot of forecasts about your business, of course after gauging its viability. You make prospects about your market, your plans in reaching them, how to develop more markets and how to fit in the product that you’re selling. All those entrepreneurial duties must be done, and in order for that to retroact, one must look into the distant future, as bleak as it seems.

This is where my dilemma arises. My parents, especially my mother have been reminding us about the Rapture. Rapture is that holy event wherein Almighty God calls in His sincere followers to heaven to save them from the horrendous persecution that lay ahead of the post-rapture. My mother describes it as an ordeal no other ordeals can match and will never be matched. It is, as she would imply, a taste of hell. She told me and my sister about the coming of the Antichrist, and she, based on sermons, speculated that it is the newly-elect US President Barack Obama. To substantiate this revelation, according to the Bible itself, the Antichrist is of Islam descent, similar to that of President Obama’s. The Antichrist will come when the whole world is united and when he arrives, he will be well-received. When President Barack Obama won the presidency candidacy a few months ago, the whole world rejoiced primarily because he is the very first president of the United States of America who is of African-American descent. The grim revelations she incessantly tells us is that the rapture will come by 2012, or even earlier. It could be 2011, 2010 or even 2009. She keeps telling us that we should prepare our hearts for God because if we don’t make it past the rapture, we are in for the worst kind of persecution. She tells us that there is already torture devices prepared for that. 20 years ago, there was a proposal to launch a national ID system that will track each and every living thing on this earth, and the most grim of it all, there will be a microchip that will replace credit cards and that same microchip will serve as a medium to brainwash people against God and His followers.

Now, your literary analysis would dictate that the last paragraph was completely off-track with the optimistic requirements of a budding business mentioned in the first paragraph. Allow me to merge the two as concise as I could. How could I make a 3-5 year planning forecast of my business if the Rapture will happen in 3 years, or even less than that? I am scared, not just because my business doesn’t even have time to grow in so short of a time but because I don’t think I can survive the post-Rapture events, or even if I can make it when the Rapture comes. Just by writing this whole thing the way I understood it paralyzes me completely. It is scary, but it is meant to happen, as grim as it sounds. Maybe my business is never meant to flourish, and can be considered a waste of money, but on a personal sense, will I make it through the rapture? If for instance I don’t, can I survive the post-Rapture? All these thoughts scare me witless and it’s all because of my mom’s revelation. I’m not saying she’s lying because even the Bible foresees this, but why be scared when the point of the Rapture is to gather all sincere Christians. The Bible also tells us that when this time arrives, we shouldn’t be scared, so why all the pandemonium?

I hate it that I can’t seem to even breathe just when I think about it, because in the first place, it’s supposed to pacify Christians like me because it’s at that time where God will save us from His enemies. It’s because of this fear that I can’t even make a forecast even for next year. I hate it when I’m scared because I can’t even formulate a thought when I’m scared witless, all because of Rapture. No one should be scared of the rapture, in fact, every Christian should anticipate it because it’s at that time Jesus will come for us.

I hate it when people scare, or let them scare me. The most important things in this world are our relationship with God, His people, how we have lived in this transient earth and if we have brought someone closer to God because of our actions. Why is that overshadowed by fear of not making it through the Rapture? Why let fear erase all the good things we’ve done? Isn’t it enough?

So I make a stand today, that I won’t be scared. I will live up my life in following Jesus Christ and his teachings, though I may not make it in heaven, if I can bring people closer to God, that’s enough for me. And that’s my new role, to share the gift of melody to those people who praise God. I’d like to bring them up, make their praises more sincere than they thought it was.

As for my business, it goes on, Rapture or not, it will survive. I may not be able to take it to heaven but I’m sure I’ll learn a lot of things along the way…and I’ll take those in heaven, as a testimony that I’ve made the most of my fleeting life on earth. My business will flourish, by God’s grace and His divine intercession. I shall consecrate this budding business to God. It shall be OUR business, OUR partnership, an endeavor that will bind us closer, but not as close as when I pray to Him and I read His Word. It shall be OUR defining moment, Nu Skin Enterprises.

Roberto Cavalli Pre-Fall Fashion Show 2009

For someone who made a name out of designing looks that are rock star wives and the kind that Courtney Love would wear, this collection was, by far, the most clothed and reserved Robert Cavalli ever showcased.

First up, he divided his pre-fall collection into a series of nature-inspired prints, 40s era suits mingled with silk caftans and sporty nylon anoraks, as well as cocktails dresses for those parties every Cavalli’s women must attend. Color palette wise, it came with shades of navy blues, some animal-esque prints and wavy prints.

Roberto Cavalli has deviated from the all-out glamour-in-your-face looks and went for something less coquettish and more sophisticated by using prints other than his signature animal prints. The collection could have suffered from last season’s too-many-cooks-spoiled-the-broth syndrome, although the sub-categorizations have held strongly, the overall collection may not have done as strongly as the subgroups did. Nevertheless, the collection read classic glamour Cavalli way.

My favorite look was this summer-inspired printed top with black pants (PICTURED) because it brought a sense of freedom in the collection, despite the fact that it was meant for pre-fall seasons.

For the entire 22 looks, click this link:

http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/2009PF-RBTOCVLL

A Possible Answer To My Isolation

Rummaging through our tambak earlier this afternoon, I came across this gazette of our Church and it's like Manila Bulletin's "Panorama". The Panorama is usually enclosed within the broadsheet and is circulated weekly, during weekends. This gazette of our Church is circulated only God-knows-when (because I don't know) and that's the first time I've ever seen it. It was I think about Christmas season of last year that it got published, of course within the Church. I was actually there, 20 pounds heavier back then, who knew I could lose so much in 6 months? I do.

Forgive the digression, when I saw that gazette, by sheer natural instinct, I flipped through the dusty pages, looking at pictures of some of the band members and YA peeps and skimming through the editorial-esque writings of the upper echelons in our Church. I can't help but feel that I don't belong there. When I look at myself in that gazette, I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I am not supposed to be there, that I'm left out, that no one understands me and that I'm the odd one out. Its funny that I look like I'm meditating whilst playing my violin but in reality, I look so...wrong. What's paradoxical about this whole thing is that I am in an ideal place of total acceptance, yet I feel deprived of the same thing the place exudes, a warm, hugging arm. I cannot, for all my developed eloquence and articulacy, shed a faint light of elucidation on the matter. I don't know if it's me or them, maybe both. I know I keep to myself most of the time, primarily because, I don't know them...and I don't them to know more about me. I think they're not ready for people like me. They're probably stuck with that ancient yet degrading stereotype with my kind of people, but I can't be too sure, their diplomacy is at it's zenith, nevertheless, I'm not about to let them judge me as is, I still have my worth, for whatever benefit it can bring.

It's like everytime I see those people in our Church, I feel like I can't relate to them, like I'm Greek and they're...not Greek. Why I don't seem to find that ease I have with Chamber I can never unravel, yet. It is probably because I've known Chamber for such a long time and they have made an impact in my life. They, on the other hand...have not even scratched the surface. They can do that, given my tendency to just nag away, but I know I'll get judged, everyone does that, even myself. I won't let them do that, actually, me being distant to them is not at all safe to judgements. Everyone has their own vehement aversions over something, I guess mine is their view on my sexuality. To me, it's a blessing to be homosexual, I can understand how the guys and girls think, I can understand how much emotional girls are and how rational and levelheaded guys are. I do not understand why homosexuals are outcasted, even if they cross-dress. I fervently believe that cross-dressing is not a crime, it's an expression of what's inside, concretizing the abstract, and mainstreaming the surreal. To say the cross-dressing is a crime is like saying to wear emo-inspired outfit is answerable to the law of the land. Preposterous isn't it?

Once again, digression got me.

It's just hard for me to open up to people, at least when I'm saving up the sexuality card. No one can easily swallow if their friends are, you know...member of the third sex. It shatters their perception of that person, when that happens, they react, usually in a negative way. They misunderstand them, deny them, get angry at them, hate them. The banality of this reaction is getting old, much to my chagrin anyways. An obtuse take on matters that isn't close to home. When I know I can trust them I'll open myself up, but until that day comes...They can pretty much get disillusioned with their faux decadence perception of homosexuality.

Balenciaga Spring 2009 Collection

Balenciaga Spring 2009 Collection

Sci-fi Couture. That is what best describes Nicolas Ghesquière’s collection for this season at the Balenciaga Atelier.

The collection featured silvered Lurex over skin to cover the hands, legs and feet, drapes and structures combined asymmetrically, bonded jersey pantsuits with A-line tunic tops, very fine metallic crinkle-pleated jackets and pale suede pieces that are like tops with an embossed vest-like structure. For the cocktails, there were multiple sequined sheath dresses, some mixed with sequined jackets, some none except for the Lurex streaking. There were also dresses with frill-like skirts. The color palette started off with matte shades of baby pink and flesh-tones, building up to the glistening shades of gold, pewter, pink, green, silver seen on the dresses. For accessories, there was a shiny, chic clutch bag for every single look.

The incessant innovations of Nicolas Ghesquière have put the Balenciaga Atelier at the forefront of contemporary fashion, as is seen from this collection’s evolution of pants, which looked like sophisticated motocross. His experimentation on the fabrics and his optimal juxtaposition of drapes and structures has always been admired by fashion critics and the House’s fans, both old and new. His fascination towards futurism and sci-fi is mixed with his flair in making haute couture as prêt-a-porter (ready-to-wear) as possible. Apart from that, he offers tasteful mixing of pieces as is seen from his sequined sheath dresses, evidenced from his last Resort collection of grunge 90s. From the fourth look of blush-hued A-line tunic top onwards, the show gets better, building into a climax of scintillating sequined sheath dresses, during the finale. The meticulous details he made for the collection is exquisitely contemporary and even a little bit avant-garde, either on the men’s tuxedos or the women’s jackets. One look that stood out to me was this silver tuxedo-esque jacket with crinkled pleating on the circular shoulders and silver pants (PICTURED) because it reflects the very essence of Ghesquière’s work, sci-fi meets couture translated to ready-to-wear. The silver jacket has some pink, purple and blue details on the right sleeve and on the lower part of the jacket, while the shoulders, when hit by light, shine a lavender glisten.

These are the kind of clothing that one would prefer, not to be the same with all the others who has taken futurism as their fashion style.

For the entire collection, click this link:
http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/S2009RTW-BALENCIA

Balenciaga Spring 2009 Collection

Richard Chai, My New Crush

Cuteness...I'll make a review of his collection later, after work...

Ramblings:

Once again, my bosses aren’t around, at least in the morning. I guess it’s time for me to write something again. You know what? Last night I did a little video blog about how I feel about my work and some rambling about masters pursuing.

On masters, I feel like I kind of contradicted myself, I said earlier that I don’t like public finance because 1) of the word finance and 2) I don’t like talking about taxation because it is taxing. I am kind of torn between industrial organization and health economics because they are both equally interesting. The thing is, during college, I got the chance to study a little bit of industrial organization by way of managerial economics. The approach wasn’t as mathematical as was presented to eco majors, but the concepts are pretty much similar.

The reason I liked Health economics is because it studies the demand for health and health care, which is very relevant to society today. Everyone wants to avail of some form of health medication or anything that can perpetuate their lives by way of health products. It seems simplistic enough but you have to admit, it is pragmatic. A lot of us want to avail of insurance so to be able to sustain themselves in the future, long after our prime years and into the twilight stage of our lives. Health economics, based from what I’ve read deals with that, although it isn’t just limited to insurance and its subfields. The said field involves some microeconomics concepts like asymmetric information, theory of consumer behavior and so on and so forth. I did a little research on some Australian university offering the same course and I found out that part of its curriculum is that it tackles hospital cost analysis and so on. It now sparked my interest.

My worry is, which one should I write in the personal statement as the field I’d like to pursue? Both are interesting, although health economics is newer to me than industrial organization.

Enough about that. When I woke up this morning, my body kind of aches, probably because of the exercises I’ve done since Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday I took a rest because my booty and legs hurt a bit, now my whole body hurts, hopefully tonight the ache subsides, because I so want to go back exercising. I have to shed off those chocolate raisins out of my body. I’m kind of torn between focusing on my thighs or abs; with my thighs, I slim down on my waist, way too much. I say way too much because the clothes that didn’t fit me before…doesn’t fit me anymore…because it’s too big for me now. In a way I’m happy but it troubles me a little bit because I have to buy new clothes then, and I don’t like spending so much for clothes. Actually, I don’t want to spend on other things except for my bills, travel fares and my arcade obsessions. Occasionally, I spend for my contact lens, every 2 months because they’re disposable. For the abs, I’m not sure if my tummy shrinks but I do know the fats become muscles and they become abs. It’s kind of unflattering to me because it doesn’t flatten out, it shrinks but it isn’t flat, and I don’t like that.

I keep telling I want a Marc Jacobs polo or a Dolce Gabbana sunglasses but in reality, I’m just too stingy, not to mention I’m rushing my savings so by the time it reaches 100K, I am ditching my workplace, fast.

Speaking of contact lens, I just ordered a new one. I make it a point to order every 2 months, even if the life of the contacts I’m using is 3 months. My eyes irritate once 2 months of wearing contacts and that’s not cool. So this time, I kept asking if there’s a peppermint colored contact lens, it’s green in color, I just love green. Green eyes are so fierce. Unfortunately they don’t have it yet so I got to choose other colors. I ended up with aquamarine, which is a rich azure color. It’s so obvious that when I look at the mirror NOT up close I still see blue.

It’s nice anyways, I’m thinking of models with blue eyes: Claudia Schiffer, Angela Lindvall, Natalia Vodianova, Gisele Bundchen, Raquel Zimmerman and a whole lot more. The person that I thought could rock blue eyes was Vanessa Williams; she is African-American but her eyes are blue. Strange, but it’s beautiful.

I’m feeling sick right now, physically, my body aches and I feel like I have a fever, I think I need to rest but my bosses will come in the afternoon, so that means…rest is 7pm onwards. I’m not sure if I can exercise tonight, but hopefully I can.

Church Gigs and Gio

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve been invited by the Church to play with their band, which means 3 consecutive performances. That almost translates to a month, should I be asked to perform this coming Sunday, but no. In a way that’s a breather on my part because, I have to say, it is tiring to be thinking of lines for the violin, especially if the songs that I listen to don’t have any violin interjections, at all.

So far I would have to say I like playing with the band, it’s an opportunity for me, not just to diversify my musical portfolio & improve my musicality but also a chance to showcase to God His gift for me; the gift of violin-playing and music, which I am grateful for. I like the songs we’ve played and I have my own personal favorites, and they’re “Evermore” by Planetshakers and “God of This City” by Chris Tomlin. Evermore is in the keys of B Major then becomes minor when the lines “Evermore” is sang. It is very dramatic, in a way that is rousing, think Swan Lake meets Ride of the Valkyries, Tchaikovsky meets Richard Wagner in a Christian Pop way, very beautiful indeed. God of this City is in the key of Db Major, very reminiscent of Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, but just a little different from it, because Here Without You is kind of Bb minor-ish, God of this City is Db Major, mostly. I just love songs that are in a key signature that is naturally dramatic, like B minor and Db Major, even Bb minor is dramatic.

Anyways, the only thing that I want to point out is that it is extremely difficult to come up with excerpts. It is because you have to interject short solos/intermezzos that must blend with the entire song and it has to sound super natural, not like it’s obviously off. I’ve been getting compliments about it, that I was good, but I want to know if they liked the sound. Only the band said they liked it. Sometimes I can’t help but feel that my violin steals the scene, especially when the band isn’t playing tutti (playing altogether), which is good because if I don’t do that, how will I ever be heard if the band goes full force? I guess it now boils to the mixing part, good thing I’m still audible, though not at clear as I usually hear it. It probably is because of the fact that I only put my violin near the mic, whilst the other instruments, they’re plugged with cords to an amplifier. In a way the setting is OK because had I been plugged, the violin sound would be too overpowering, even if it’s mixed, the good thing is that it will be very audible.

So anyways, today when I got my paycheck I also got an additional Php5K. I was shocked; the first thing I thought was “I don’t deserve this money!” stemming out from my year-long mishaps. There’s even a note on the money saying “Keep up the Good Work”, I was like…what? Super shocked was my reaction. It’s like, I didn’t believe on what was written; I’m Sorry. I guess I’m just so immune to mistakes that once in a while compliments like these didn’t make me smile. I found it so…fake. Go ahead and be mad at me for saying this but…that’s what I felt. Besides, I can’t let these compliments get in my head, otherwise, my masters plan will be ruined. I don’t want to feel regret when I leave this company, together with the learnings and heartbreaks I experienced here. I want to leave here improved but unscathed, emotionally speaking.

I’m actually seeing someone right now, actually, I just met my hopefully-to-be-my boyfriend. Let’s call him…”Gio”. So Gio and I have finally had our long-overdue rendezvous in his boarding house. I actually blogged about him, in this same site, but that was more on what I felt when we…”connected”. This time around, I’m hoping we get to have a decent conversation first before we hit the beds, once again. I want to know more about him, because I’m willing to love him and give him whatever I can. Although I do feel that we can connect on an intellectual level, apart from the … sexual level. I remember he asked me for a lunch once his midterms are through; I just hope he still remembers that. I mean, it’s a chance for me to get to see him again and more importantly to get to know a little bit more about him. I also blogged about how I thought he has completely forgotten all about me, I was wrong, he remembered me, for sex/making love. Memory is triggered by one flashback, coupled with a desire to remember.

So there, that is my 3-week Church gig and prospects from Gio. I just pray that there’s more gigs and Gio for me. This feels weird, no fashion entry? Maybe next time.

I Am Empty...

Back when I was in fourth grade, I was obsessed with Astronomy, that my parents even bought me binoculars just so I can see the moon and has bought me books about astronomy. The ones they bought are not those used by Astronomy Majors but those that is easily understood by 9 year olds, like astronomy for kids. I once read in that book that the life cycle of a star is that they are at their hottest when they're young, as they "grow old" they kind of cool down gradually until their death, they just simply run out of helium or hydrogen to burn and they just vanish in the sky, with no one ever noticing that they're gone. After that they form part of the black hole, where it is a form of space vacuum that sucks everything in it, and no one escapes, not even light itself.

Fast forward to the present, I do not have an iota of a genuine interest in the heavenly bodies and its vast neighbors. Now I am into my violin, fashion and my grand plan of teaching. I seem to be full of dreams and promises and potentially capable of attaining those because of my drive. At least, that's what everyone is seeing on the outside, because on the inside...I'm the opposite, not even a sliver of light shines in my heart, I am empty.

How could one intellectual, driven and flamboyant person like me be possibly be hallow inside? I am a walking irony; a person flooding with gusto but is dry internally. Just how is that? What am I lacking?

Love...

I have always believed that the greatest Commandment my God has imparted to me and my brethen is to Love one another. True, I love my Redeemer, I love my family and relatives, I love my friends, I love myself, I care for people around me, but how come no one loves me back, romantically? I find myself asking what could possibly be wrong with me, why no one has ever loved me the way I would've loved them back.

My high school best friend has found his boyfriend and they are happy with each other for like more than a year. What karma plagued me that I can't seem to find my significant other? What kind of suffering have I inflicted on someone that curse me to this day? Anu bang ginawa ko bakit parang walang magkagusto sakin? Pangit ba ako? Yung ugali ko ba masama? May nagawa ba akong kasalanan na kailangan pagbayaran ko ng matagal? Bakit?

I tried hiding that sense of inadequacy by diverting my attention to other things, like fashion, shifting careers, developing myself and even porn. Given the many diversions that came my way, I find myself asking the same question. Why can't I find love, true love? A love that heterosexuals share, why is it elusive for me? I'm beginning to tear up whilst typing this blog, see how much it affects me by asking this question? Mahirap ba kong mahalin?

I met Jeffrey last year through text and I thought that he could be the one I envision myself getting old with, like Pierre Berge and the late Yves Saint Laurent. After months of talking to him on the phone, I thought he really was the one, until I met him. He was my life's Seal, and I'm Heidi Klum, looks wise, the difference is, Seal loved Heidi so much, Jeffrey didn't. I can't put all the blame to him as I myself have been at fault. Before Jeffrey, I met Noel back in 2005 and ever since then I have always dreamed of being his boyfriend. I met him only once, a month before I started junior college, after that I have never seen him again. Fast forward to 2007 when he showed up in his YM, I am more than happy to talk to him, to ask him what's he been up to, to tell him of what has happened to me and to tell him that I really loved him. I got confused because my feelings for Jeffrey was developing and my feelings for Noel resurfaced again, maybe that's why me and Jeffrey had a little rift, that we were able to patch up. Unfortunately, money came between me and Jeffrey and I had to take a stand, no money in this relationship.

I'm no bank, I don't buy people things I don't think they need. He kept asking me buy me this, buy me that, no Jeffrey, I will not buy you another burger from McDonalds.

After Jeffrey I met Jay, or should I say Giovani. I met him in 2006, earlier than Jeffrey and a year later after Noel. We never became boyfriends, unlike Jeffrey, but I like his way of thinking. He roused my intellect in way neither Noel nor Jeffrey did. The rennaisance of our conversation started when he missed call me. from there we talked occassionally, as long as he had prepaid load to use for text. I was happy talking to him because he was a nice person. I even got to talk to him on the phone because we were supposed to meet that day. He only called to apologized, but I forgave him. It saddened me we didn't meet but at least I got to talk to him.

I kind of got curious if he had a friendster account so I checked it and he did. I tried adding him but up to this day he hasn't added me up. I thought that he didn't like me because of that and it broke my heart. Once again, I am left alone because I was judged. I really liked Giovani so much that I can forget about Noel, I even thought it would be nice to have him as my boyfriend. I did tell him I'd like to start as friends so we can get to know each other, and not become boyfriends at once. I'm thinking he didn't like that but just pretended it was OK with him. Now I have never heard from him again. So, once again I am alone, I am empty, I am heartbroken. My insecurities came up to me and swallowed me, and now I can't get out. I wonder, how many times will I be heartbroken before I fianlly meet my Prince Charming? How long will I be gobbled up by my inner demons before they spit me out, if ever they will?

Now to partially answer my own question, maybe no one hasn't loved me yet because God thinks I am not yet ready, but when will I be ready? When will he come? I need to meet him now, and grow with him, hold his hand when times get rough, hug him when the world shuns him and vice versa. I want to love, want to experience love, is that too much to ask? How will I learn about love if i have not experienced it?

Forbidden Thoughts

Yes, I forbid saying them out loud. That's why I just say them all in my head.

There was one time, actually just last Thursday when I rode the FX before going to work, when I felt that familiar, carnal desire to ... engage myself in some casual fornication, of similar gender. Why I ended up feeling like that was because of this. I was seated in front of the FX, to my left is the driver and to my right is another passenger. Since between me and the driver is the vehicle's brakes, which he frequently uses (no pun intended, yet), his hand somehow kept brushing my right hand. I couldn't put my right hand anywhere else because then, it would be too uncomfortable to me, so I decided to just leave it as it is. The whole "accidental" hand-brushing thing went on for the duration of the trip, but in the middle of the trip, I felt really awkward, followed by being ... risque. What made me feel that carnal-esque surge was when the FX driver, after accidentally brushing his hand against mine, placed that same hand near his crotch. That's when I really felt something bulge between my legs, not to mention that he looked at the window to our right (I thought he was looking at me) so I thought he probably glanced at me. It was really awkward but so damn horny all at the same time. Strange, but I like it. Those porn images started flashing in my head, and a little imagination helped as well. The driver kind of had that horny masculine aura around him, bolstering my carnal disillusionment. But alas, like any sex drives, it faded when I reached my destination. It may have faded, but I will never forget that scene. I guess that's an additional fetish recollections I'll rack up my brains when I masturbate.

Until next time perhaps?

Survey from JC

1. How old will you be in 3 birthdays?
** 26...I know, too old, but 3 years smarter!

2. Do you think you'll be married by
then?
** No, but in a relationship? Hopefully...

3. What do you look forward to most in
the next 3 months?
** Get a brand-new contacts (green or green/blue)

4. Who was the last person you called,
and who called you last?
** Last Person I called was Carrie (not real name) and the last person who called me was Geri (not real name)

5. Have you ever played a team sport?
** Yeah, volleyball

6. Who was the last person to text you?
** Carrie

7. Current thoughts?
** Answering this survey

8. What were you doing at midnight
last night?
** surfing Arpad Miklos' website, such a hot Hungarian porn star!

11. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today?
** I was exercising/dancing Hip Hop Abs...until the painter my mom hired saw half of my cheekbutt

12. How many places have you visited?
** A lot...

13. If you could be anywhere right
now, where would it be?
** NY, London,Milano, Paris,Tibet,Nepal,...

14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or
bare feet?
** bare feet...I'd go to work bare feet if it was allowed...

15. Are you a social person?
** Im usually shy at first but I open up once I get the hang of things

16. What was the last thing you drank?
** Lukewarm water, its my regimen...

17. Favorite ice cream?
** mango, cookies and cream, double dutch...

18. What is your favorite dessert?
** fresh fruits, blueberry cheesecake

19. What are your favorite colors?
** azure, celadon, lilac

20. What jelly do you put on your PBJ?
**what? I dont put anything on my PBJ...

21. Do you like coffee?
** i don't, i like frapps though except for the whipped cream, gotta avoid that

22. How many glasses of water a day do
you drink on average?
** i drink at least 3 bottles of lukewarm water...

23. What do you drink in the morning?
** lukewarm water, as I've said, its my regimen

24. Would you rather kiss someone with
or without a tongue ring?
** Im fine kissing with OR without a tongue ring...

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of
the bed?
** as long as I get to sleep on any position, thats fine with me.

26. Do you know how to play poker?
** i tried it before but I don't know the mechanics, I won once (beginner's luck)

27. What's so good about Fridays?
** rest time, no work the following day (unless im told to do overtime), and I get to wear my contact lens

28. Any plans for this week?
** get my eyebrows trimmed cleaned, go out with Carrie from some fag-related thingies

30. How big is your TV?
** more than 12 inches for sure

31. Ever stolen a street sign?
** what? what for? But I have seen a police in greenhills apprehend some crooks wh ostole some street signs...not that impressive as they seem to only catch pathetic criminals and not the big ones...

32. Do you keep a piggy bank?
** no but i have a savings account where i deposit all my compensation and withdraw my money for consumption.

33. What kind of camera do you have?
** 2 megapixel camera, on my phone

34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
** no I havent

35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
** neither...

36. Do you prefer a window seat or an
aisle seat?
** either...

37. Do you know how to drive a stick
shift?
** whats that?

38. What is your favorite thing to
spend money on?
** clothes! anything fashion touches...and books, if the topic is interesting

39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
** none, can you give me a swarovski?

41. Can you roll your tongue?
** i can only fold it once...

42. What should you be doing now?
** sleeping, as i have work tomorrow

43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
** no, i sleep solo

44. What is the main ring tone on your
phone?
** its silent, i dont want to bother my co-workers

45. Do you still have clothes from
when you were little?
** no i gave them to those who have none, and ive outgrown them

46. What is the color of your bedroom
walls?
** faded rose...and they're falling apart! waaaaah!

47. Do you shut off the water when you
brush your teeth?
** yes i do...save water, preserve water...

48. Do you like someone right now?
** like? I like a lot of people, like that cute twinkish sales clerk in Diego boutique in megamall...

49. Do you currently hate someone?
** hating makes me think spiteful thoughts about a person, and it robs me of my sleep...

50. Where are your best friends?
** they're busy getting on with their lives, and so am I, but we do meet occasionally...

Silence

They say in silence you get that elusive tranquility one longs for in order to sustain your sanity. It's in silence you get to probe your innermost thoughts, feelings and even ideas. But what happens when silence does not bring solace, instead it causes more insanity?

Y'all might be wondering what the hell is wrong with silence causing insanity. Maybe I can shed some light here. I have been working for a good 9 months now and I guess career wise I'm pretty much stable and 3 more months mean I've been working for a year. It seems like a blur to me though. Anyways, as good as those 9 months have been to me, in that span of time, there's something that's quite wrong.

What could that possibly be?

You know, this isn't utopia where everyone is BFF (Best Friends Forever) with everyone and there's this perfect harmony and those other idealistic things the mind thinks of. Therefore, it means that in work, to be specific, you tend to have those..."days". Yes, those days when things take a horrid turn, people get really cranky when things don't go as originally planned, you know what I'm talking about. I am not exempt from such..."phenomenon" because I'm only human, and when they happen, I find myself really just shaking my head in disgust and just hope the day is over, not until doing some...preventive measures.

There was one time that everything I did has gone so horribly wrong that I got so pissed off that time, but I didn't throw a fit, mind you. The things I did were all below par as well, so you can just imagine how horrible that day was for me. When this happens, the first thing you do is to tell this to a friend or someone close to your heart, either your parents or your significant other, whichever you prefer, so you could release it. Ideally when you have problems, regardless of degree and/or magnitude you tell it that trusted person of yours because that person can help you destress, or plain simply offer his/her time with you, that means a lot, but what happens when you don't have that person behind you? When you don't have someone pushing your back when the going gets tough?

Elementary my dear, you fall flat on the ground.

That has been my problem. I don't have anyone behind or beside me to tell all these problems. No one to offer me a shoulder to cry on, no hugs to keep myself fromm falling apart, no nothing. It is very difficult. You ask, what about my friends? Yes! why not them, they would understand me, because they know me...or would they? I feel like they won't understand me because they don't know the real me. My fault could be alluded here, I don't let anyone to know me comprehensively because I'm scared of being criticized for what I do. I'm scared of being misunderstood and therefore castigated, can you blame me?

It's as if all these bottled up emotions would be the death of me, unless I release them. That's the only way I can ever find partial solace in my heart, at the very least. Probably good enough as a starting point, but not the sole step in liberating me from this emotional turmoil. I have tried talking to my very good friend who has a name that resembles a thorny flower. I told her the same problem that hounded me ever since that fateful day. I have to say, she did offer help for me.

Through her I got to see some things that I never even thought possible. It enlightened me to a certain extent, at least in terms of my work environment, but that was just a small thing. The entire bottled up emotions have to be released, otherwise...I can't even say. It takes time, one day someone will save from all this, but I hope I be able to save myself, I just don't know how.

I wonder, how can I save myself? If I can't who will save me?

Michael Kors Fashion Show FW 2008-2009

This is the first time I'm actually writing my fashion critique in this blog. I did two in my multiply account and it for Elie Saab and Gucci. Now I'm gracing this blog with my fashion thingie, and who better to start with? One of Project Runway's Judge, Fashion Designer Michael Kors.

Michael Kor's collection has been known as a no-brainer chic type of clothing, very simple, very wearable, by no means deprived of sophistication and class. For this season he sought inspiration from Amy Winehouse and Alfred Hitchcock. Two different personalities, the other prefers blonde women, the other one doning a black beehive-like hairdo, how he managed to connect it? He didn't.

Instead, he presented sheaths in lilac and olive floral, balmacaans and camel suits with longer and narrower skirt. There were sable coats on top of cashmere sweaters and cropped ocelot-print pants, slipped minked stoles over tweedy jackets and glen plaid skirts with frame bags in their elbows' crooks. What happened to the sporty and sexy Michael Kors woman? She's still there, did I mention this is a Fall collection? Cocktail hour, Michael had strapless dress in gold matelasse to a silvery frock embellished with bow. The Oscars? Column gowns with Watteau backs.

Overall, the reason I liked this collection was because of the lavender and olive hues. They're fantastic especially during the cold season. This collection carries in it the previous season of pastel hues albeit in a not so vibrant way. Never the designer who sends down looks on the runway that are costumey, chic clothing is next to Michael Kors.

Ruined

Today I'm blogging about some guy I met through the YM who literally ruined my entire Friday. The situation was like this, I met him last Wednesday this week through YM because he buzzed me, saying some vietnamese things which I didn't understand, at all. So I asked who he was and he introduced himself, and so did I. His name I won't tell, as he may have a blog account and he might surf and read my blog and do unspeakable things. I gave him my number so he could text me and vice versa. Big Mistake.

He texted me that night, while I was doing my nightly cardio. I had a hard time dealing with him because he was, literally, dogging me with texts, which I find it hard to read because of the weird letters he's using, nevertheless it was understandable, the message that is. Moving on, I found out that he was younger than me, as old as my sister, which I'm going for because I want to be with someone older than me. The guy literally was pesky and he was getting on my nerves, though gradually. What really pissed me off was that he wanted me to be his boyfriend, but I barely know anything from him.

Then Friday came, he kept bugging me about being his boyfriend. I got really annoyed so I told him why he can't be my boyfriend, because I have a boyfriend. He was so distraught and disappointed, he even said, why didn't I said it earlier. That really shook me, why didn't I tell him earlier. What was I thinking for me to withhold such fact? Was I telling the truth? Whatever my intentions maybe, I admit, I do regret not saying it ahead of time.

I do feel like I wasted his time and my energy, maybe it was me all along who ruined my Friday. What really bothered me was his defeated attitude, it really rubbed me the wrong way, literally. After saying that revelation it was as if he still wants to be me. He really was beyond insistent I'm telling you. He kept bugging the entire Friday, kind of like making me feel bad and even trying to win my pity in the process. To be honest, when he was airing his distraught ramblings, I can't help but shed a tear or two. I felt so bad for him, he was so into wanting me to be his boyfriend, but I can't, not only because I have a boyfriend, he was too young and naive. I think he needs a little more experience. I feel extremely bad for him, so much it even affected my day. Everytime he'd text me, I'd shed a tear or I almost broke down because I feel like, I brought him up and then spat him out, simultaneously, and that is not a good feeling.

By the end of the day I told him how much he annoyed me indirectly. He kept asking if I was mad. Of course I was, he drove me nuts for the entire day! But I didn't say that, all I said was that my patience runs thin with him. Im not sure if he got what I meant but, whatever, I was getting tired of him. Then Saturday evening, just awhile back, he texted me if should he text me because he's having a hard time. Damn Fuck! If he was having a hard time, what do you think I was having? Him messing up my relaxation days is just unbelievable, considering he's but a stranger to me. I can't belief a stranger messed up my day! How pathetic am I?

I told him to stop texting me finally and he said ok. To be honest it was painful for me to say that, I never wanted to say that kind of thing to anyone, but I have to say it now or be bothered by him. He was nice enough to wish me regard to my boyfriend. As I write how much he wishes good luck to me, I feel bad because he wanted me to be happy, even if he's not. I'm tearing up as I write this. I feel terribly bad, big time, because beyond that annoying texts me sent me, he really wanted to gamble being with me, loving me, which I never felt with my boyfriend. I feel like maybe he's the one for me and I just shunned him off. He even thanked me for my time with him, as bad as it was he still did. Maybe...but just maybe ... he might be the one I'm destined to be with after all...

Biache

It has been a year since I graduated from college. Memories of college life, academics and extra-curricular, everything will always be emblazoned in my heart. College has been way way better than high school, not only because I was enrolled in the 2nd best university in the country, or the 392nd best university in the whole wide world, but because of friends and quasi-families I've met there. How much they've become part of me. But for all their effects on me, have I become part of them?

Let me tell you this sad observation. Back in the day when I was part of this small orchestra group, I had the best of times because I got to develop my music skills/talent, leadership skills and interpersonal interaction skills as well. Everyone in the group thought I was good...in comparison to their skills. Modesty aside, I don't find some of the pieces difficult, at least during my tenure. I loved their company, they gave me a home in Taft.

However, whenever I see pictures of the group in some excursion or teambuilding without me I feel left out. That I missed out something so great. I can handle that, but when I see people really close to me and I'm not there? I feel really sad because I feel it's like I've never been a part of that group. I think no one can question my contributions to the group's prelude of exponential grwoth and yet it's as if I don't exist. Why?

It even leads me to ask this question, was I a part of this group anyways? Or maybe I am, in music, but not in person. Maybe they don't like queer people like me within their circle of friendship, only in music because I'm the only one in that section that they can contact. Or maybe they don't like me being a bitch...Ok. Being a bitch is my defense, and I don't put on that bitch mask 24/7. It's my defense mechanism. I feel like my defense has thrown off some of them, I guess they want me vulnerable, so they can attack me? Or so I can't hurt them? I don't know.

Thoughts

When you are having a rare but possible case of insomnia because you just J-O-ed 2 hours ago and ate chocolates 4 hours ago, what do you do?

Blog. Yeah, blog it.

Let me tell you what it's like meeting a stranger you've been texting for 5 months and then you decided to meet up during the holiday breaks. It was very nerve-wrecking for sure. I didn't know what he would look like or be like. What I only know was the sound of his voice and his instruction to buy him a quarterpounder meal with large sarsi drinks and fries.

Before I left to meet Jeffrey, my "guy", I took a bath for the second time. Instead of using my usual milk bath, I used my mom's Victoria's Secret shower gel because I wanna smell my most fabulous and diva-esque when meeting him. Originally, we were supposed to meet at 6pm but he asked if he can meet me around 7pm since he was working and printing his output, so I said sure its ok. Having said so, I took my time bathing myself making sure that strawberry and champagne scent sticks to my body, every single area of my body. How indulging.

So after that I rinsed off, put on my clothes and left home to meet Jeffrey, which took him more than 30 minutes to get to our location. When he came I bought him his meal and to my astonishment he was outside waiting for me. He asked if I could come out, I said I have his order on the table, then he said if I coud just take them out. I did and the nmet him outside, bringing with me the food he ordered.

Good heavens, when I met him he wasn't exaggerating when he said he was ugly. He was odd. His look reminded me of Seal, supermodel Heidi Klum's hubby. I'll be honest, I thought him being ugly was just gibberish, as it turns out, I thought partly right, because he was odd. I never thought of him ugly, just odd, different and unconventional. Nevertheless, there was something in him that's quite...eye-catching. Not his crotch, but something that made me feel cozy.

We walked to this certain location I'll call "Czechoslovakia" or simply "Czech" and then asked him if he was ready, he said whatever. I assumed that was yes. I asked him to buy rubber because I don't like it without rubber and he did, but I paid for it. We went in Czech and logged in, paid the guy in charge and got in the room. We turned off the lights and then...had our honeymoon. Who would want to have a honeymoon with a stranger who looks like Seal, but is equally alluring like Pete Doherty of Babyshambles? I did.

When we had our honeymoon, he...broke into me, into my body...but not my heart and soul, figuratively. Why? Probably because when he was breaking in me he wasn't looking at me, but because it was dark I couldn't see. Maybe he was, but his mind was anywhere but in that small room,where we were. Quite surprisingly I didn't feel like a dirty slut who'd fuck her way to financial nirvana, probably because I know I had a connection from him, all that 5-month chatting and talking on the phone built up that connection, or whatever that was. After our short honeymoon we went outside Czech and ate the burger and fries, he ate the burger, i ate the fries. After that we walked home and along the way we passed by a 24-hour store and bought drinks, I bought a fat reducing juice and I bought him the same. We walked until we reached my house, I lent him a book by Paulo Coelho and a CD not because I wanted to but because he asked if he can borrow something from me.

I can see right through him, I know that he knows that his look wasn't what I was expecting. He just wants to make sure we'll see each other again. Does he like me? I don't know. Do I like him, in general? I don't know either. Just a thought, what if I ditch him just because he's not my type or he looks really odd and he finds out that I ditched because of the said reasons. He's gonna be sad, but will I be happy? I don't know. This thought makes me sad, because if I do just what I thought, I become the thing that scares me the most, the player. I hate being played and thinking about Jeffrey being played by me saddens me, even bringing me to tears. I don't know if I can love, or even want him like I want Noel. Maybe in due time I will. Thinking about Noel and how much I want him in my life makes it difficult for me because I want to give Jeffrey a chance, but I've fallen for Noel so much, ever since I was 20, and I'm 22 now so it has been 2 years of missing him.

I don't want to ditch Jeffrey, but I want to be with Noel. I'm torn, I never thought I'd be in this predicament, to think I don't even have a legal boyfriend, yet. What do I do?

A Little Something from Noel

This was originally a text message...but it touched my heart so much...the text came fro mthe same guy whom I blogged earlier


Funny how 2 people meet and fall
eye contact, hi & hello, get contact numbers, exchange quotes, send messages
even droppin calls askin hows the day, givin u a lift talk til dawn, havin meals together,
meeting with other friends, kulitan, lambingan and all
seems so perfect right? But try to look deeper, was there a time they talked about how they really feel for each other?
Not at all right?
A setup like this is all about ...
"Playing it Safe"

Heart Blogs

I got this from my multiply blog...It's about that one man who just makes your heart skip a beat, too bad he doesn't feel the same way...or does he?


If only you knew what I truly felt for you, then it may be different
If only there was a way to tell you what I feel, I would really do
If only I had the guts to tell you, then it might make a difference
If only there's more to you than a message, you'd be surprised that I am more than that too
I wish to heaven of a bridge to connect you and me, then i'd tell you how i feel
I wish to heaven of telepathic skills, then i'd say what my heart beats
I wish to the angels of courage commensurate to a superhero, then i'd speak my mind
I wish to the angels of a way to find you, i'd go and fly to you
because ive fallen in love,
because my heart beats for you
because you hold a place in me
because i really love you
If only i can see you again, id tell you how much i missed you
If only I can hold you at least once, id make you feel what ive felt for so long
If only I can take you to a place, id take you in my heart
If only I can show you my love, id give you what i have
because i wanna be with you
because i fell in love with you
because i love you more than you'll ever know
because i will wait for you and say i love you for real
someday we'll see again, and catch up with each other
someday we'll tell what we really feel, and forge that connection
someday i'll tell you i love you, and hopefully you'd say the same
someday that day will come, and make it right for us
I love you so much, i wish you knew
i wanna be with you, i wish you felt
i long for you, i wish you saw
I love you with all my heart...
i hope you feel the same way...